Today I’m joined by Strider aka Strides aka Blaze. Strides is from the Rift era of Pyran. Thanks for joining me today mate, and I have to say – it’s really good to be chatting to you today!! It’s been too long!!!
Haha, ok this seems really formal now! Yea, we haven’t talked in a while and I’ve been in a really Pyran mood the last few days, so it’s perfect timing really.
Well I’m glad we’re always in the back of your mind – even if we’re not playing the same games.
I’ve been wanting to talk more with the Pyran guys, I just disappear sometimes, but always come back and want to get more involved since I love you guys a ton!
I really feel Pyran is like a second home, always there for me.
We’ve known each other a long time now. Tell everyone who doesn’t know you a bit about Strides – where you live, what you do, favourite position?
Hm, a bit about me is a tough question to answer, as you know I like to ramble so I could go on forever really.
I’m 29 yrs old (too old now), from a little place called Gibraltar.
Things about me; I love gaming like most of the guys in Pyran. If I’m not playing games, I’m constantly watching gaming stuff on YouTube, Twitch, or even watching those while playing a game at the same time.
I love music. I used to play a few instruments, but stopped really because lack of time and just being into gaming a lot more. Making more time for that really I still love listening to music and I am very picky with my tastes.
I do like sport, I’m a fan of football in particular, proud Arsenal fan, even used to play it a bit. I wish I still did though, really enjoyed it.
I’m very talkative and descriptive, people might think I’m bit of a cunt sometimes, but I’m also super friendly if you get to know me a bit!
Currently unemployed, and been unemployed for too long. Having bit of a hard time irl, I’m finding it very difficult to find something new, sometimes I just want to pursue the things I really love,
which one of them is obviously video games, but it’s extremely tough, especially since I’m 29 now, and because of where I live, so I’ve never considered it a viable option as a profession at this point.
If I knew this when I was younger, I would’ve tried to pursue it harder.
My favourite position is tough to answer. Although I may not talk about it often, I’m a hyper-sexual kind of person. I have many favourite positions, but if I had to choose, something that shows me dat ass, like doggy style!
If I had to describe my personality, I would say I’m extremely strong minded, a bit of a perfectionist honestly, and quite talkative once I get going. I could say I’m bipolar, but I don’t think I really am. What I am is both introvert and extrovert, which doesn’t make sense, but I’ll try to explain.
Since I was a young boy I was quite a shy, very quiet. I have a lot of siblings, one being a twin brother, so that probably contributed to it. When I was a toddler I wasn’t shy at all, since I always had my twin brother to rely on. Once we got separated in school, everything changed I think.
The older I got, the louder I became, but still had that shy tendency, it didn’t fully go away.
Sometimes I just cba so I act very introvert, like when going to family events or around people I don’t know but once I’m comfortable with a person, I can talk and talk and talk and talk.
I’m sure many people are like that, maybe not to the same extent though.
I can go from extreme to extreme.
I’m usually a very good judge of character, and good at analysing so I can tell if I’m going to like someone almost right away. I can feel at ease with someone very soon after I meet them, or the complete opposite and know that I will never be able to hold a proper conversation with that person
so I can become the extrovert or introvert based on the person.
My brain goes a million miles an hour and sometimes it’s a real nuisance, thinking about the different possibilities of a conversation, how people will react, I put wayyyyy too much effort into things that most people might think don’t matter or are meaningless, sometimes it’s a detriment… sometimes I feel like I want to not give a shit about all these tiny things like it seems mostly everyone else does.
It honestly really is a huge detriment to myself.
Just a few of the things that goes on in my mind all the time, that’s just a small morsel, and it’s constant.
I think it may come across as narcissistic , and you don’t need to tell me that.
The fact I even felt I had to make that comment is an example of me thinking about all these possibilities of what people are thinking of me, or what I say, etc. In that sense I’m a bit similar to Michaka. What he said in his interview about mental issues, maybe not as much as him, but tbh I felt what he said really hit home with me.
Moving on from that… the last thing I want to say about myself is… that I really love drinking tea!!
I think, like a lot of us, you might have a tendency to over think things a bit Strides, but I wouldn’t describe you as narcissistic. You might be cautious about opening up to someone before you know them, but once you do, I feel like you talk very passionately and from the heart. You’ve been part of this community for a long time now – do you remember your joining ritual?
It has been a long time, like 7 or 8 years. I haven’t been on the Pyran Discord much lately, just been doing my own thing as I do from time to time. I just find it’s healthy for me to take a step back occasionally and not solely focus on Pyran all the time. I do feel like I want to get more involved again and talk with everyone more though.
When I first joined was when Pyran decided to venture into Rift. It was the same time as Jim, though not related at all with his joining.
As for ritual, I don’t really remember if I had a ritual… what I do remember is the interview!
I had met and befriended Niel, aka Axm, a few months before from playing retail Wrath of the Lich King.
He told me about Rift, and how he was looking for a decent guild for it’s launch, and found you guys, so we applied and you gave us an interview at the same time.
I usually get very nervous with things like this, but once I muster up the courage, I’m usually pretty good at them, so as you can imagine, I ended up doing most of the talking in that interview 🙂
I guess it made a good impression
What do you remember about the atmosphere in the community back then? What made you want to stay and keep playing games with us and hanging around like part of the furniture?
Well I think it’s because it was the first guild I joined that did most of it’s bonding through voice chat. I’d been with guilds before in WoW, but either I was oblivious or I didn’t want to voice chat most of the time, I didn’t really feel like I had a lot of friends in those guilds, I usually made friends on my own and kept to those.
Being kind of forced into those social interactions made me see how fun it could be.
Obviously the people in Pyran helped a lot since everyone was very chill and I had a lot of fun and funny moments with them.
A lot of people made an impression on me, like you, Jim, Pidge, Farske, Dave and Chris etc, the oldies! I’ll always remember doing PvP with you guys, Farske being a Cleric I think, and mentioning how he loved following me around as I just destroyed everything on my Warrior haha! I felt really appreciated then
Except C0vertz XD
Yea, Axm liked C0vertz but I think Axm likes nearly everyone :joy: Although I tried to tolerate him, I did think he was a cunt too, and sounded way too young, imo.
Btw, cunt is a great word, love it.
Awww Axm. I miss him. Just a TLDR on Axm for people who don’t know – he joined us, played with us loads, got ripped, got a GF, was never seen again ;(
Idk, cunt for me is like… sloppy or moist – its just not a word i can get on board with
Yeeeeea, real life pulled him away from us, he was a great guy. Well, is. He’s still with us in the land of the living :p
You’re missing out, maybe not the meaning behind the word, but the emphasis of those consonants, just hits you hard when it’s thrown at you!
True true, there’s no denying it is a big impact word
Can we talk a bit about your gaming career? Always something I find interesting. How did you start gaming? Why Strider? What games have you played over the years? What are you playing these days?
Wow, well, my gaming career is so long and so varied, I’d have to talk a lot about it to really give the full picture if you don’t mind!
I started extremely early, I would say maybe when I was 2 or 3.
My Dad was always a bit of a tech nerd. I don’t remember him actually playing much, but he always liked messing around with technology on the side of his true love, Music (which he also messed around with that stuff in music too).
Since I live and grew up in Gibraltar, we’d go camping in Spain on the weekends and had a couple Caravans, so we could still watch TV, had electricity, and all that good stuff.
The first games console we had was a ZX Spectrum. I remember playing (or watching a sibling play) a specific game and being really enthralled with it. It was a dungeon crawler type game but can’t remember the name.
What really kicked off my gaming was when my Dad brought home a Sega Megadrive!
Sonic 1 was our first game, and it left a huge impression on me.
From then on always been obsessed with games, went through all the Megadrive classics like all the Sonics, Streets of Rage, Golden Axe and tons more.
I think games like this also left an impression with me in terms of it’s music, because I still love those soundtracks to this day, as well as games like Golden Axe being one of my first introductions to medieval fantasy type games, and so I’ve loved that genre ever since.
We’ll come back to music later!
Over the years I’ve played tons of old school PC games like Doom, Civilization, Master of Orion, all the Warcrafts, through to getting a Playstation 1 and playing Final Fantasy 7 and falling absolutely in love, further cementing my adoration for the fantasy genre and RPG’s. Played other classics like Metal Gear Solid, Gran Turismo, Tekken 3. My eldest brother got a Playstation 2 with his own money, and as we were quite a bit younger, we couldn’t afford one ourselves, but he wouldn’t share his with us at all! (We even got the PS1 late and played the Megadrive for way too long, not that I had any complaints)
Sometimes though when he’d be away for the weekend, we’d sneak into his room and have a super PS2 gaming marathon! Playing his games and demos, like Dead or Alive 2 which I remember vividly.
Little tidbit from me about that game; I developed a huge crush on a character called Kasumi during that time, like man did I have it bad! :p
As well as Tifa from FF7!
Later we also got a Gamecube since it was cheaper than the other consoles at the time and also played great games on it like Metroid Prime (fucking love that game, such a great atmosphere) Super Mario Sunshine, Super Smash Bros Melee, Eternal Darkness (another game with fantastic atmosphere), and a bunch of others.
Anyway, from then on not much happened, I moved on eventually to the big one: WoW.
I was like 18 I think and was working as a waiter in a restaurant at the time.
I got so obsessed with it, I heard about it from a friend of mine, and I was like “Oh shit, I love Warcraft and I heard about this game ages ago but totally forgot about it!”.
I started playing WoW around halfway through Vanilla.
One of my managers at the restaurant even played it, so it was fun to talk to him about it during work!
What was your first character?
My first character was actually a Male Night Elf Rogue
I rolled on the same server as my friend, he was already high level and raiding so he never had time for me.
But that was fine since I had the wonder of discovering everything on my own and it was an experience like nothing else. It felt so magical.
Especially since I started in the Night Elf area, and I used to think the Nelfs were awesome in Warcraft 3, that’s why I rolled it.
The Night Elf starting area definitely had that magic.
It was one of the more immersive starting areas – but male night elf???? :O :D:D
Like I said, I liked the Nelfs because of WC3. I got to level 10, and quickly found out I fucking hated Male Nelfs!
I’m glad you saw the error of your ways, I hope you quickly rolled a male orc after that
Sadly I didn’t 😛 I stuck with Alliance since I had an affinity with them from back in the Warcraft 1 days (I used to think Lothar was such a badass in that game).
Especially since it forced down my throat the idea that the Orcs were bad and Humans were good!
I wanted to be good!
After that Night Elf fiasco, I re-rolled a Human Male Warrior.
Back in the days where I only ever played male characters! Oh how times have changed 😛
I was gonna say!!!…
I’ve only ever seen you play as a lady.
His name was Ryuun, a name that I just randomly came up with when I played a game on the Gamecube, Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, I wanted something sounding fantasy-like and cool.
So I stuck with it especially since everything else was taken by then.
I could go on about my WoW “career” but l already talk too much as it is.
Honestly I regret not starting WoW earlier, I was always jealous and enamoured when I opened my friends list and saw my irl friend in a place called “Molten Core”. I only imagined how magical that place could have been.
I got ridiculously into WoW, in both PvP and raiding.
I wanted to raid Naxxramas. I can’t even express the yearning I had to be able to do that.
I only got to Blackwing Lair back then because I was very loyal and stuck with my shitty guild for way too long.
And in PvP, I also went super hardcore with it. I got to rank 11 playing solo, not even in a pre-made, and not knowing about weekly honour caps.
I probably played more PvP in a week than I should have because of this.
I only got to rank 10 and that was in a pre-made XD
I got burned out and quit for a while when I was so close to hitting rank 12, narrowly missing out when they changed the honour system later in the patch just before Burning Crusade released.
As well as dreams of Naxx, I had huge aspirations to reach rank 14. I would day dream about it all the time, It basically took over my mind and my life.
Like honestly, WoW was so engrained into me, these were such huge goals for me in my life, even to this day I wish I could have accomplished them.
Me too, wet ones, where I’d be rank 14 and bathing in wanton naked Orcs who just wanted to be close to me
Haha, same goal, but for different reasons I guess :p
I made tons of friends in WoW too, it sure was a huge experience, but also it really was detrimental to my personal life I have to admit, though I won’t go into that.
What expansion did you stop?
I stopped just before Cata came out.
When I found out they were changing my beloved Azeroth, I was done.
That’s when most of us stopped I think. Life after WoW?
As I mentioned earlier, I befriended Axm during Wrath, so it wasn’t long after that I found Pyran and started in Rift.
This was also shortly after a break up with my long time girlfriend at the time, which hit me very hard, so finding Axm and Pyran helped a ton!
I remember when we played on Feenix, I went on a huge angry rant about personal stuff to do with my ex on voice chat… Tbh I regret doing that actually because I probably pissed off a lot of people.
But yea, since WoW, I’ve played way too many games.
I’ve always loved MMO’s and RPG’s, every time Pyran starts an MMO I’ll be there most likely!
I guess I should explain why I got to the name Strider. It’s nothing special really!
We were already playing on Feenix by then, I went through a few names already.
I think I named my alt Rogue in Rift Strider as well just before, come to think of it.
I got the inspiration from Strider Hryu, a character from the Strider franchise by Capcom, as well as featuring in Marvel vs Capcom.
He was a super cool Ninja, so obviously his name was also badass.
Many people might think that, especially with my love for fantasy. That would be way too typical anyway! :stuck_out_tongue:
But yea, I then named my Rogue on Feenix Strider too, and just stuck with it, because hey, it’s a cool name so why not, and since we played a lot on Feenix, just got used to it.
My other alias is now Blaze, since I played that character mainly on Excalibur and people got used to that too. That one is inspired by Blaze Fielding from Streets of Rage, the Megadrive game! An awesome, ass kicking female character, imo.
Moving on to what I’m doing these days, I just switch between games a lot.
I still raid on FFXIV every week with my other group of online friends, ever since the latest expansion hit a few months ago. We’ve always played FFXIV together since the release of the reboot; A Realm Reborn a few years ago, but we never raided together as a full group.
Other than that, I’ve played a few single player RPG’s lately like Divinity: Original Sin, and gone back to games I’ve played before, like Diablo 3, Divinity 2, Kingdoms of Amalur (I was really desperate to play an RPG). I want to make a comment here that I rarely actually finish games 😛 Has to really grab me to do that and even then I might not.
Played a bit of Sims 4 since I got the itch to play some sort of management game, and didn’t want to spend money on a new one, so fell back on that since I already owned it. Modded the fuck out of it since I tend to always nitpick games, and mod them if possible so I can get a more personalized experience out of them.
Then for my online and PvP fix, I’ve gotten back into Overwatch as my go-to competitive game.
Since I’m an extremely competitive person, I always want to be the best, and if I’m not the best, then I’m just not enjoying myself as much, and I might start taking a backseat and not play as often.
I’ve not played OW as much lately, but I don’t plan to stop at least like I have in the past.
Aside from that, I do play on the PS4 as well occasionally. I play it with my brother and a friend. We play stuff like Fifa, Destiny, and The Division in the past, but not much right now other than a bit of Fifa. He only has a console and doesn’t really play PC games. That’s the friend, not my brother. Trust me, I’ve tried to convince my brother to play WoW and with Pyran before!
You should play HOTS with us – it has a lot of the Overwatch characters in it – and our team needs a hard carry 😀
I’ve considered it, but I’ve never been big into MOBA type games. I’d be a total noob so I don’t think I fit the criteria for hard carry :p
Me too, I’d never played a MOBA before HOTS…. but it really is very easy to pick up since you already know a lot of the characters
Maybe one day. I just feel like in terms of gaming, I have a lot going on right now, and at all times really :p
Speaking of that, I forgot to mention that I’ve actually started on a Vanilla WoW server the last few days as well, since I heard some of the Pyran guys were playing on it, so I jumped on it and will see how it goes.
Ah, which one’s that?
It’s a progressive server from Elysium (the ones who merged with Nostalrius), but it’s their other server and it’s relatively new, called Nighthaven. Currently on the Zul’Gurub patch.
I’m only under level 10 so I don’t know much about it yet!
Hope you guys don’t get burned out before retail vanilla comes out!
Yea, I did say I don’t know how serious I’d take it, but we don’t actually know when Classic is coming out :p
So other than gaming, which is obviously a really big part of your life, do you have any other hobbies? I know you mentioned music – so I’d like to hear a bit about your musical tastes.
I mentioned Music and Football in particular. I used to play the Bass when I was a teenager, with a friend, with dreams of starting a band. I soon fell out of favour with that friend for silly reasons (he was a very petty kind of guy), made some other friends, and pursued the guitar instead. I got quite good rather quickly, and even joined a local band for a very brief time. I was still a total noob compared to them, so I was flattered that they even approached me since they were all like 30+ and very experienced!
I only played one gig with them, but I’ll never forget it, it was an awesome night. I played the lead guitar part for “I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor” by the Arctic Monkeys, and even had my mates cheering me on in the small crowd.
I got a lot more into metal and stuff after that, and that was really fun to play on guitar, but I stopped playing because I just got way into gaming and WoW a lot more, sadly.
Genres of music that I really love, are a few kinds of Metal, such as Metalcore, Melodic Death Metal, Melodic Metalcore, a bit of Prog Metal, and lately a thing called Trancecore or Electronicore. It’s a fusion of Electronic music and Metal. Sounds real good imo. I think the influence of old video game music has something to do with that.
I also like various other music, but one relatively new genre that I’ve gotten really into for the past 2 or 3 years is something called Retrowave. Again, it’s Electronic music inspired by the sounds of the 80s, but modernized. It sounds great, and again, it must have to do with the inspiration of old video game music, and why it sounds so good to me.
I’ve always been rather creative, so making my own songs is still something I would like to do one day, even if I’m just making them through synthesized sounds on a PC, it’s still a very enjoyable process. Since I’m also a bossy and bit of a controlling kind of guy, it would be perfect for me to have the freedom to do what I want :p
The problem is I lack motivation to do a lot of things, something I want to go into more detail later in the interview, since I feel like it’s a subject I really want to get off my chest.
My other “hobby” I would say, was Football. I started playing Football rather late, like when I was a teenager. I wish I started earlier so I could have fulfilled my real potential.
As I’m a really competitive guy, I always want to be the best I can be.
I played 5 a side with my brother and some friends, and honestly it was always really enjoyable, and one of the few things I always looked forward to in the week.
I’d get up really early, even having an all night session of WoW, on like 2 hrs of sleep, just so I could travel across town to play an hour or 2 of footie.
That group sort of just stopped playing a couple years ago.
I had a really bad ankle injury, which took over a year to fully recover. By then I was so used to not playing, and then shortly after, the group sort of just disbanded. It’s a shame, I wish I could still play. But again, lack of motivation.
It’s the same story with the gym. My twin brother has been going to the gym since he was like 18. I can see the results he’s gotten, and since we’re twins, I know I can be like that too, but every time I start going to the gym, I eventually stop and give an excuse such as my shitty work hours, and just stop.
One day I want to stick with it and get super buff!
Another thing I also want to talk about, which isn’t necessarily a hobby, but an interest of mine, is Anime.
I wouldn’t call myself a super huge Anime fan, but I do enjoy it from time to time.
Shows like Dragon Ball Z, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and a few random Anime movies such as Ninja Scroll and Metropolis, really shaped my childhood and some of those had a huge impact on me emotionally. It was something that I had never felt before with other cartoons or movies or anything like that. It resonated with me, and that’s why I enjoy Anime to this day.
I wouldn’t call myself a weeb :stuck_out_tongue: and I’m a lot more critical and picky with Anime these days. I don’t tend to watch much, mainly because I’d always rather be playing a game instead. But when I do feel like sitting down and watching something, it’s Anime first and foremost on the list of things to watch, because I’ve missed a lot and there’s a lot of good stuff out there.
I don’t really watch much normal TV series’ or movies at all, but a good Anime always makes me feel good inside. I like all sorts of genres from it and not just the popular Anime, it depends on my mood, but I feel like I’ve always appreciate them a lot. Maybe it came from back in my early WoW days, where I would stay up, marathoning Anime all through the night. Brings back good, care free feelings from then. It’s feels comforting.
Just felt like throwing that in there about Anime because it does hold a special place in my heart when it comes to entertainment purposes.
I watched Dragonball Z religiously, I loved that show. I understand and appreciate your love of Anime.
As for football – I think it’s good to have a sport or activity that involves getting up and out away from the PC for a bit.
I’ve never been much of a gym buff myself – we have a treadmill in the house which is mostly used for hanging damp clothes on….
Do you have a bucket list of things you want to achieve? If so, what’s on it?
Hm, I wouldn’t say I have a list of things I definitely want to do before I die. More like, I just have things in the back of my mind that I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t yet, and it’s not overly specific or big things, just things that might be nice to get sorted, or cool to experience.
Such as; going to the gym and finally getting the body I desire, like I mentioned earlier. Not that I’m particularly unfit, but I want to reach the potential I know I can in terms of that, and like in a lot of things, that is my mentality: to want to reach the potential I know I have.
Then there’s small things, just things I’ve been meaning to do that I haven’t. But those are more like things I want to do before I’m 40 or something :sweat_smile: Like getting braces to finally fix my teeth that I stupidly refused when I was younger. Getting a driver’s license which I also stupidly refused. I have a few regrets in my teenage years it seems :p
As for broader things; I’d love to visit a few places in the world. I don’t go out much but I actually do like outdoors, as long as I’m feeling carefree about it, so basically anywhere that isn’t my home town, or Spain :stuck_out_tongue:
As I mentioned earlier it’s just lacking the motivation to do these things.
I really want to visit Japan, seems like such a cool place. Maybe also a place in the Caribbean because the sun, beaches, and water just seems like it’d be heaven. Definitely want to go to America some time too. There’s a few others but those are the big ones for me. Oh, obviously also going to mainland UK or other parts in Europe and meet a few of the friends I made online, like the guys in Pyran! Definitely would like to do that some time.
Maybe also go to some live concerts to bands of musicians I really enjoy, I feel I’d get really into that.
But yea, just simple things like that, not anything crazy. I also have general gaming aspirations but I’m not going to mention those since my life revolves around video games 24/7!
I’ve had dreams of maybe becoming a big streamer or something, but I wouldn’t call it an aspiration since I don’t think it’s realistic and I’m not particularly pursuing it.
Something to do with video games as a career, would be nice. Which leads to the whole lack of motivation thing in terms of careers in other areas. I lack motivation in practically every aspect of my life if it isn’t something I’m really passionate about. In my mind, I only have time for things I actually really want to do. It’s a shit mentality but I’ve been like this forever and it’s really hard sometimes.
I wish I was different. Many people are like this I’m sure to some extent, but I feel like it’s not normal the way I just can’t push myself to get normal things done that other people would, and would find easy.
Some people find that making a career out of something they love diminishes their love for it. You’ve mentioned motivation a few times now – how does it affect you on a daily basis?
That’s a good point, but I’m sure as hell would say if I had a career in video games, I’d still enjoy it, and there’s so many aspects to video games, that it would never truly diminish it entirely.
Well, some cynical and sceptical people would just call me lazy even after I explain this, people like my family for instance. Or that I have no drive or ambition. But that couldn’t be further from the truth, because anyone that has played games with me can clearly see I put in a heck of a lot of effort, as well as wanting to be the best I can be.
I never thought of it deeply in the past, but after hearing from other people, and just there being more general awareness for mental health issues recently, especially in men, I feel like maybe there is something ingrained in me psychologically that isn’t quite right. Well, I say isn’t right, that’s a bit of a harsh way to look at it, but that most people probably don’t suffer from.
I always had you pegged as one of the tryhards, like Theory and Michaka – you always give 100% maximum effort to your games
I think you’re right, I think there’s a lot of men who have real issues talking about it because of the whole “masculinity” bullshit
Hell yea I try hard :p But yea, not just that. Some men do hold things back because it feels “weak” to show their true feelings, I am also definitely like that. I internalize a lot of sadness, but am quick to show emotions like anger, because that’s more “manly”.
But there’s the other aspect to it, where you don’t even realize something might be wrong with you, because people, and also yourself, will wave it off as something else entirely and just feel like you’re just not trying hard enough.
Like I mentioned, it’s something I’ve not really thought of until recently.
Even minor mental health issues, are issues worth addressing, and that we shouldn’t criticize, but rather try to help people with them.
With increasing suicide rates in young men, it’s really something that society is failing to address
I feel like a lot of dudes struggle to open up because they’re programmed to think that’s weak
To go into detail about myself; I will honestly put off nearly everything, just so I can go back to my routine of just playing games and being comfortable in my home. A lot of the time when I have to get something, I groan and think it seems like a hassle and that I’d rather avoid it. Things at home not so much, depends what it is, it’s mostly to do with going outside, travelling a bit, or dealing with people.
Even things that some people might find enjoyable such as family gatherings, I dread going to them. I force myself to do it because, well firstly I can’t exactly say no, but also I feel like I owe it to my family to see it to them. But to me it takes tons of effort just to attend events like these and act like a sociable person.
But then, there’s similar situations like attending social gatherings, only with close friends, and I love and look forward to those a lot more, purely because I’m much more comfortable in their company.
And then there’s another side to that, in that even though I enjoy spending time with those friends, if we plan to go out and do something at a certain date, I’m really enthusiastic about it when we are actually arranging it, but when the date comes closer, I do a complete 180 and my mind decides that it’s too much hassle and that I don’t feel like it any more, and I find any excuse to cancel…
Again, these sound like minor things that many people do, and it could come across as just being lazy, but it happens much too often with me, and I don’t think it’s normal at all. I kick myself constantly about these things.
I think to myself why am I being like this? Then weeks or months down the line, I regret not going through with whatever thing it was.
It’s hard for me to get going, but once I’m actually outside doing things, I can get shit done. I have no problems with it, it’s getting there that’s the hardest, and trust me it’s especially hard for me to get going at all. I always think “I could be at home comfortable as can be on my computer instead.” and that thought basically takes over uncontrollably over any other kind of thought.
Speaking of friends, I also want to mention that I think my past experience with friends definitely doesn’t help my current situation.
I was abandoned in the most important part of school, during GCSEs and A Levels. Then when I met and made new friends, everything seemed amazing and it was really a lot of fun.
Then WoW kinda took over my life, and made me push them back because I got obsessed with that.
Later on, when me and my ex broke up, she carried on hanging out with them, and I was in such pain I couldn’t handle being around them any more, since she was always there. I felt like I was forced to stop seeing them.
The reason I say they abandoned me is, they could have made much more effort to hang out with me without her being there, but they didn’t at all, even though they clearly saw I was hurting.
One of them even ended up going out with my ex, which I’ve told you about in the past, and hurt me even more.
But because of that divide, I’ve had none of them to really fall back on or rely on irl.
We’re still “friends” but it’s been so long that it feels weird, or they feel weird about hanging out again, so I barely see them if at all any more.
I feel pretty alone, other than my online friends and my twin brother and stuff, but since he has kids, I can’t really see him often, if at all as well.
I’m not lonely, but yea, it’s that feeling of being alone irl. Although I do see my family often, but they are just another huge hassle for the most part rather than being supportive.
Back to my lack of motivation; I’ve been unemployed for a long time, but I won’t lie to myself, I know I could have made much more of an effort to find a job. I do still try, and I apply to places quite a bit, just maybe not often enough, and I know I could be doing a lot more, but I just don’t because of that lack of motivation.
Even if I get an interview, sometimes I even skip it when the day comes because I feel anxiety and that I just rather be home without the worry or hassle!
I think you’ll find that a lot of us can relate to that. This is quite an interesting article.
It talks a bit about the various chemicals our brain produces while we play games. It could have a lot to do with your lack of motivation in other areas? That your body knows it won’t get these chemicals, therefore, it becomes a hassle.
I’ll have to look at that article, it sounds like an interesting idea.
Mentioning Michaka; he talked about that anxiety and lack of motivation too, and as I commented, it really hit home with me. I wouldn’t say my anxiety is that bad, I don’t think I have really bad anxiety, but there’s definitely some there, that dread I feel when I need to be doing something, and when my mind is always thinking about all the different possibilities instead of just relaxing and going through with it.
About chemicals – I’ve also heard that a lack of dopamine in my every day life could be a cause of lack of motivation.
Since I’m not really achieving anything in that every day life, I don’t get that dopamine fix, so I don’t push myself more to get more things done, and get even more dopamine out of it.
On the flip side, it could be I get so much dopamine from games, that things in every day life can’t compare, so it’s like going on a low from lack of dopamine? Who knows, it’s interesting stuff. Doesn’t really explain why it doesn’t affect most other people who game, or maybe it does, just not to the same extent :shrug:
It can indeed. People don’t realise how much of an effect chemicals have on us. It’s like any other drug, I guess, after a while – our body forms a habit for it.
Yea, definitely. And speaking of drugs, sometimes I feel so restless because since I tend to ignore most things in my life, I end up overly focusing in tiny stupid things online and in games, and overreact. I have a friend who I spend a lot of time with who unfortunately has to deal with my stupidity, where I get mad and won’t let go over small things.
So on occasion, I end up taking vast doses of Co-codamol, because as I’ve told you before, drugs and chemicals don’t affect me much, so I need to take huge doses of them for them to take effect.
I take Co-codamol to help me relax and it makes me feel good. It’s really bad because I don’t need them at all…
Thankfully I don’t do it all the time. I just do it occasionally and not very often, just in bursts of a few days.
You recognise that though – as something you can work on personally. That’s a good thing. I have friends who flip out over silly stuff but they don’t see that they’re being a crazy!
Yea I definitely know I’m a difficult person, it’s just I feel that I can’t really help myself with it.
Having said that, now I tend to reflect on it, I see that I was being silly and apologize, but in the heat of the moment, it’s still hard to stop myself entirely. But I think it’s a little better at least.
Though that’s a whole other story in terms of psychology :stuck_out_tongue: We’re focusing on Motivation here!
Speaking about it, just gave me another thought; I wonder if drugs and chemicals having a hard time affecting me might be part of it too.
Maybe I need more dopamine than the regular person to be able to function and I simply don’t get that in every day life.
Maybe it’s nothing to do with dopamine, rather other chemicals in the brain.
I’m not an expert on this so I don’t know!
That’s definitely something that you can talk to your doctor about.
If I ever get the motivation to go to the doctor for that :p Damn vicious cycle!
What can your friends do to help out?
I honestly don’t know. I feel like it’s something only I can do. Or maybe it’s just my personality and pride in feeling like I need to take all the burden myself and refuse the help of others, but I’m quick to try to help others on the flip side :shrug:
I’m sure if friends tried to help me and start addressing it and talking about it, I’d wave it away because again, I wouldn’t want the hassle of dealing with and just want to carry on doing whatever it is I’m doing and want to relax.
Friends are there to listen and help out – you need to learn to accept help as much as you give!
I know it really sounds like I’m making a lot of excuses, it really hurts me emotionally because I know people feel like that, but it’s just a thing that happens over and over again and I can’t stop it. It tears me up inside
But I think I’ve talked about it enough for now!
Well, I’m always here for you, any time you want to talk – day or night. You’ve always been a good friend to me, helped me through some shitty times. So I’d like to be there for you too – and I know there are other Pyrans that feel that way.
I appreciate it. As I said, I don’t know if there is anything that can directly help me other than myself, or a miracle of suddenly getting into the mentality of getting shit done :p Which btw actually does happen to me sometimes, just not often enough.
Will you be joining us in the Pyran Retirement Home when we’re all old and crippled? There we’ll grow our own weed, get high, play age of empires 2 over LAN, party all night!
Hell, yea I’ll be joining! In fact, I’d join right now if I could! I don’t really have anything else going on now do I :stuck_out_tongue: It’s be an improvement over my current life!
Well thanks for agreeing to this intensive examination into the life of Strides. I thoroughly enjoyed our chat. I have three more questions before we wrap this up:
1. If you were to be trapped on a dessert island for the rest of your life with someone in Pyran. Who would it be, and why?
2. What colour is your underwear?
3. Who would you like to see get interviewed next?
Yea this chat has been good, but also a bit emotional because as much as I want to vent my feelings and thoughts, I also feel like regressing back to the me I mentioned that just wants to get rid of all hassle and just relax.
That first question is tough. Can I just build the Pyran retirement home on that island instead?
The question stands.
If I had to answer I think I would choose between You, Jim, Haggis, and Ravnos. But I can’t choose which honestly. That’s my answer!
Ok ok I’ll accept that, answer the other two!
My underwear right now is “The Avengers” coloured. Take that how you will :p
Hahaha you got comic book pants?
I do, even though I’ve not actually watched the movies!
Usually I’m actually really boring and just have black, white, or grey underwear!
Oh they’re terrible, apart from Phil Coulson, who is a legend and hero to humanity in every possible way.
Like I mentioned, if I’m gonna watch something, it’s going to be Anime firstly :stuck_out_tongue: Don’t got no time for Comic Book Movies!
And for the next interview, you already did Haggis right? Then definitely gotta be Ravnos! Or some of the older generation that were around when I first joined, like Pidge, Farske, Dave or Chris.